I have been called many miles away from my home for the health emergency of a very close loved one. This loved one is very private, so I won’t say any more about his particular circumstances except to call him Fred and say that it’s serious, and Fred is very central to my life. So on Friday when Fred’s health suddenly went “tilt,” I felt like not just Fred’s but my whole world did, too.

I have been praying a lot. Reflecting a lot. Sighing a lot, then remembering to stop every once in a while to let the sighs dissolve gently into tears.

I have been thinking about how I know Fred, about all the history we’ve shared.

I am struck by how this situation might have been prevented many years ago had the people close to Fred at the time said something. “Hey, Fred, are you okay?”

I am struck by how the people Fred and I have known together over the years also might have had different, more happy and productive lots in life if, when we were younger, we had spoken up. “Hey, are you okay?”

So many ambient possibilities for healing, dampened due to words unsaid. And the words were unsaid because we were afraid of interfering, afraid of embarrassing ourselves or someone else, afraid that our concerns wouldn’t be well received. In hindsight, those all seem like pretty flimsy reasons not to speak.

I wish I had known then to separate out the saying from the outcome. I can’t control what other people do with what I say – that’s their choice, their freedom. But I can control that I say it. I can control how I say it. I can bravely, gently offer my heart, mind and observations. (My motto is: say it once and let it go.) I don’t need certainty that I’m correct – in fact, I’ve found that things usually go better when I am not at all certain I’m correct! All I need is the certainty that I care.

What are you holding back from saying? What do you see and believe might really help someone, yet for some reason you are holding back from stating it outright?

If this experience with Fred has taught me anything, it’s that time and love and words are precious.

“Hey, are you okay?” It might just as well mean, “I love you enough to speak up.”